Practically done!

The assignment is practically done! The first part is over its word count, and the second part is slightly under. So a bit of cutting, a final conclusion and it should be finished! I still have over a week before it’s due, so I’ll leave the final edit for a few days, coming back to it with fresh eyes. After all the struggle at the beginning I’m actually quite pleased with it. Yay!

questions

My questioning switch has been switched on again. After a study group last week we were encouraged to question more. I then read through my last assignment which had lots of questions written all over it. So now I’m writing my next assignment and reading through lots of reflections on working with individuals which I’ve written for the assignment, and I’m asking more and more questions about it! This is great apart from the fact that I haven’t got the time or space to explore them right now! I’m glad in some way that I’m getting back into asking questions as it will help me explore and learn more (something which I’ve slowed in recently). But for now I just want to make progress on my assignment. The hope is to have draft 1 completed by the end of the weekend. Then next weekend I’ll read it through, write questions all over it and then edit, edit, edit until I’m happy!

learning ahead

This post is all about my study, specifically my self assessment. I have to do one of these at the end of a 18month period of study. It has to record my learning over that time in four different areas. I last wrote one back in November, and I’m now two months into the second study period, so I thought now would be a good time to look back at my last assessment, especially at my areas for further learning, and remind myself of them! Feel free to pass by this post!

Maintain a professional frame of reference - I need to develop my ability to question and challenge young people to aid their learning.

Reflecting in and on action - I need to make reflecting IN action a priority. This will help me to make the most of all opportunities for learning.

Appreciating feelings, ideas and experiences - I need to think more often from a young person’s point of view when reflecting on practice. I need to be clearer and more confident in the way I communicate with young people and staff.

Managing yourself - I need to read more widely and use the library better. I need to implement changes more (these are more changes about myself than the work) and I planned to use action points to do this.

It is interesting to note that some of these points have occured to me this week (which led me to look back in the first place.) I think it would also be true to say that I have been working at some of them this study period.  Now the difficult thing is to really act on these points, and reflect more and learn. In fact a lot of it involves a change in the way I think and act and that’s the hard bit. I had thought a change of role would mean certain difficulties would go away and I’d learn different things, but I think I’m finding that my weaknesses just work themselves out in a different (thankfully less painful) way. I’m glad I’ve taken the time to go back over my last self assessment and list these points. They are my action points if you like. They now need to be printed out and stuck up on my ’study wall’ along with my assignments. Then it will be time for action and change!

childish behaviour

I’ve been reading a book suggested by my supervisor, all about psychological games. It’s a bit complex, and I’m not going to try and explain it all here. What I’ve learnt is more about how I relate to people. I think I’ve always known I’m a people pleaser, but I’ve learnt that its often me relating to people from a child perspective, often seeing the other person as a parent. This means that whenever I fail to please someone I feel I need to be punished, often punishing myself with lots of worry and self loathing. As I read the book, I identified with different aspects, though I am not sure about what to do about it. And so I thought the first step would be to try and articulate here the areas where I need to work at it!

Work relationships - I need to see ALL relationships (with adults) on an adult to adult level. I think I’m doing ok on this at the church on the hill. The relationships which have potential to cause problems are ones where authority is involved - e.g. with my line manager and supervisor (where they have authority over me) or volunteers (who I have authority over.) I can see where the problems may be. Only this morning did I spend a good hour feeling guilty that I had missed a supervision appointment, when according to me I didn’t. As a child, I take all the blame on myself (as the parent is never wrong) but actually we are both adults, and an adult misunderstanding took place so the blame is shared. Hopefully I will learn to see each situation as an adult-adult encounter over time. 

Family - Um, it was through a discussion with my supervisor about how I relate to my parents which brought this whole thing up in the first place! Her suggestion was to work on being an adult when relating to my mum. This will be hard, but may bring the most impact. I may need to make this my number one aim!

Friends - The less well I know someone, the more likely I am to come home and then worry about what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. I’m not sure if this is part of the child-parent thing. It’s not really a game, as it’s not how I act with the person, it’s my state of mind after! In these situations I just need to remember who I am and have confidence in who I am!

Perhaps I’m not so much of a game player as I thought I was. But hopefully from now on I’ll begin to see myself more as an adult (which I am at 28!) and have more confidence. 

can’t record

Recordings are an important part of my course, but even more importantly part of my learning. But I can’t bring myself to do them at the moment. I couldn’t last weekend and I can’t now. I’m not sure I can cope emotionally with looking back over a session critically. I would only look at the positives, and miss opportunities for learning.
I’ve been working hard recently at not being really negative and not letting my failures floor me. If I’m honest I know that I struggle with most youth sessions at the moment emotionally. Anything can stir up anger within me.
I don’t feel in a good place right now, but I’m coping, just. Getting through, surviving. And am glad of the support of hubby and others.
The move to ‘church on the hill’ is scary. Scary is the fact that I can see me pinning my hopes on it.  Having a new line manager will be good. She will challenge me I’m sure, but she knows me well and how to do that without pushing me over the edge. I also have the relationship which will help me to be honest, rather than my current line management relationship which encourages me to keep quiet.
I really hope that by moving to ‘church on the hill’ I can love working once again. I have had four days rest last week, but just working with young people again, and then the staff again today, I hate it. Working by myself is fine, there is no-one to trigger an emotional reaction in me. But others, all it takes is a comment or even a look. Yes, I’m paranoid. Yes I believe everyone thinks I’m useless and is talking about me behind my back. But yes, I’m coping. Coping by retracting into my shell of comfort. Trying hard not to eat too much, trying hard to exercise, because on top of everyone else hating me (or me believing so) I also want to lose weight!
Where will I be in a year? I can cope with that thought, though I can’t cope with thinking just a week ahead. One small step, one day, one task at a time. That’s how I cope. Knowing God has hold of me. Finding his peace in those rare moments I make the good decision to spend time with him.
And times of sanity, just letting nobody, apart from a blogger employee who I guess can probably read this, know what is going on in my head. Strangely it helps. I feel calmer.

So, do I record? For now, not. First job when I get my study pack will be to look and see if I need recordings for any assignments. But for now I think, until I get to ‘church on the hill’, or back into study mode (whichever happens first) I won’t record. For my own sanity. So, fancy that, I am giving something up for lent - recording my sessions!

Wahey!

Assignment is done! I’ve struggled a bit with this one. But I managed to find enough to write and now it’s all ready to take to the post office tomorrow. With the postal strike, I reckon this will be one of those times that they will actually want to check my proof of postage! The deadline is Thurs and it won’t arrive by then, but as long as I have proof of postage for a Tuesday then it isn’t considered late. I’ve emailled it to my tutor anyway, not that they can accept them that way.
So now I can have tea before the young people arrive for bible study and then finish the emails and phonecalls that are a usual part of my Monday.

Tomorrow is a day off, and I was planning to weed the garden, but the forecast is for rain. So it looks like I’ll have a day of cleaning the house and cuddling up on the sofa with a book. Hubby is out, so I’ll be by myself all day.

Wasting time

I’m wasting time, waiting to say goodbye to my husband who is off to peform around the country. He was planning on leaving earlier, but as usual he is running late! So I’ve been reading lots of blogs and soon he will be ready to go, and I’ll have wasted my morning! Of course if I had just got on with my work, I’d have been at a really important bit when he would want me to stop and say goodbye! (That’s what I tell myself anyway!) I’m now really ready to get on with work, and hopefully he will soon be ready to go!
He’s really busy this august, and we won’t be at home together for another 13 days. He is however going to visit me briefly at Soul Survivor next week. I would if I could tell you where he is going, but I can’t remember! This is why it is written on the fridge. Today he is off to Polzeath, a repeat booking. We were both there last year, taking a holiday in between two different shows!
He’s packing up the car now, a sure sign that he will soon be done and ready for a goodbye kiss. I must check he has packed clothes and a sleeping bag, I haven’t seen any evidence of that this morning and I wouldn’t put it past him to forget these important things!
If you’re going to Cheltenham Bible Festival or Greenbelt this year, then he’ll be there (as will I at Greenbelt.) Oh and he’s in Scotland at some point too.
Meanwhile, I’ll be at home reading as many books as I can! I’m half way through Harry Potter, am picking through a couple of sociology books for my essay and I’m about to start Steve Chalke’s Intelligent Church.
The car packing is nearly complete, I had better go. At least I’ll get lots of peace and quiet to get work done in! I will miss him though, he’s made me laugh so much this morning!
Update - he’s gone, only 50 minutes later than planned! And I’ve started my essay.

Further reflections on recording

I record my learning through my notes from study group and supervision, and then sometimes through further reflection through here on the blog. I feel this works. However I should also record my work. This hasn’t been working, probably because I feel I have to do it soon after. My recording of study group and supervision sessions happens during, and reflection happens on here when I have the time and desire. It’s the desire and time that is missing from my work recording. So lets explore recording my practice further.

Why record? I think my only reason would be to help me reflect on the session. The recordings are for only my use and do not need to be read by anyone else. Although this isn’t normal, this is my situation and perhaps I should allow for this in the way I record.

Recording can also be used to clarify understanding of what happened, and to monitor progress. This hasn’t been the case for me really, but I think this has been because I haven’t been sure of my aims of recording. I clarify my understanding before I get to the point of recording, as I often reflect before I record, not as I record.

Recording is a skill you exercise in in order to do your job better. This has not been the case generally. At the most, recording has highlighted areas to be discussed at supervision which has possibly improved my practice.

Recording aids evaluation, and evaluation towards pre-set goals. I can see this would be useful, but I’m not sure recording would help me to do this. To start with I need to have some goals. I set goals around my work, but not for my practice. E.G. I will have a goal to organise a training event for leaders, but will not have a goal of a project or development for a certain group of young people. I think this is a whole other area I can explore within my work.

What to record? I think the structure of my recordings probably doesn’t help me. Here are some questions I might use to help me record in future.

• what were you aiming to achieve?
• external events
• internal events
• what have you learned as a result of this recording?

There are lots more questions I could ask. I think the success of my other recording tools (prayer journal, notebook and blog) are that I don’t have any format. I reflect on what comes to mind. Even if all I recorded was my working through of my negative feelings about a session, I am confident that some learning would come out of this.

How to record?

My observation skills haven’t proved to be the best. I find it hard to observe and be in the action at the same time. Perhaps there are times when I need to have my observation hat on, when I am not specifically doing something. Some observations happen over a long period of time (e.g. behaviour of a young person), but I won’t record this as I feel it wasn’t a key event in a session. But actually small observations on a week to week basis are probably very helpful.

Whatever I do observe, I do believe I can learn something from it. If my recordings are primarily for my learning (which I’ve established they are after a year) then this must be my aim. I do not have an agency requirement, and I can always edit any recording that I need to supply for an assignment.

So the way forward I think is to have a blank piece of paper for a while. I’m not sure this will work. Maybe a journal. Right now I have little motivation. Another topic for supervision maybe.

reflections on my learning

I am actually learning from study groups and supervision. Just by going over my notes I can see the learning. My difficulty may be in implementing the learning in practice, but I am learning a lot. There is a lot to think about and a lot that could be implemented. It is quite overwhelming when you read it through, but at the same time encouraging how much I am learning. I can see how much the learning could implement my practice, and I need to implement more.
I must be using study groups and supervision well if I am learning. I do take stuff to them, and often have stuff from my own reflections to discuss. They are really helpful tools to my study. Could I use them better? Possibly by reflecting more before and after each study group or supervision session, and coming up with action points. This scares me, but I think it may be useful.

The index of evidence scares me. It scares me because I do not think I can evidence everything. There is a part of me that wants to be proactive and select things to put in essays etc, but I’m not sure that would help my essay writing. I could also bring things to study group or supervision that I need to get signed off on the index, but I’d rather bring what I need to talk about! I guess if I get my assignments finished this summer, then I can concentrate on my index of evidence then.

Reflections in general

As I read back over my notes of the past year, I see interesting questions and good points raised in study group and supervision. But they’re hard. Hard to answer, or hard to implement. I’ve run out of confidence to attack them and take them further. I just want to give up on my work and get through the last year. I know that even just by carring on, I will still make a difference to young people, just not growing myself. Perhaps this is an argument to stop studying at the end of Year 1. But I so want to continue. I love the study and I am learning, it’s changing the way I practice that I find so hard when it impacts others.

My learning has slowed. Not in the head learning, but perhaps my reflection on practice and my supervision. I’m going over the same things over and over again, but failing to implement them.
I can’t reflect on them anymore, because I don’t have the energy, the confidence, the drive. I feel like I’m giving up. After all, who says I need to reflect on all these things now? I’ve written them in such a way that I can continue to come back to these questions year after year. And yet, I can see the potential in them to turn the way I do things upside down. I want to challenge my thinking, but perhaps not today, not just now, not where I am now.
And so I turn my attention to reading - this is no bad thing! I turn my attention to my assignments. Leaving my reflections for a while, but bringing my feelings to supervision and perhaps study group.