crazy life

I am loving my new job, and am getting used to the changes it has brought - mainly the hours I work. I still have to figure out when and what to eat when I’m working a long day and evening! Four egg mayo sandwiches in one day was a bit much!

Today we were supposed to exchange contracts on our new house. It hasn’t happened but we hope it will tomorrow. Then we’re into packing mode! We move at the end of a really busy week for me work wise and a day before hubby goes of for 10 days of work and two days before I go on holiday! Our life for the next month will be out of boxes! And I’ve also got an assignment to improve before sending it off just three days before we move!

This afternoon I started to read the long list of blogs I regularly read. It took me far too long, so I’ve cut the list drastically. I’ll eventually get into a routine of when I read blogs, check emails and even write on this one! I also have a hope of starting a food blog, but that will have to wait a while. Most plans are on hold now until the end of August - by which time I hope to be settled in a new home as well as a new job!

Sabbath

I feel like my world has been turned upside down - probably because it has (a bit). With this new job, I’m going to busy when hubby isn’t, and not busy when he is! I’ve not had to work today, and although I’ve had some stuff to do, I’ve been bored and missing hubby who is out working. I’m not sure how I’m going to organise my three day weekends now, but I do want one day to be a sabbath. I guess the point of this day is to renew myself - spiritually, physically and emotionally. Here’s some thoughts of how I might spend that day each week.

• baking! A new recipe each week, that I can give away to someone at work or church.
• reading! Taking the time to escape into a different world, or even challenge my thinking on a something.
• get outdoors! This will be difficult without the car, but whether it’s by foot or by bike getting out into the beautiful countryside.
• god time! Whether church or just an extended quiet time, I need to chat over my week with God and just chill out with him.

That’s plenty to fit into a day! Now I just have to decide whether it will be a Friday, Saturday or a Sunday. I guess I will just have to try them all out. Friday (today) hasn’t worked as there have been lots of things to sort out that I haven’t been able to attend to during the week. This may change as I get used to work, or I might still use my Fridays to complete chores. Of course, I have study commitments regularly on Fridays, so I think they’re out for a sabbath. I can’t have a sabbath tomorrow (Dr Bike) but I could on Sunday (even though I am involved in the church family service.) Sunday it is for this week then! Church in the morning (by bus?), a gentle walk home through the woods. Lunch. Baking. Prayer journal. Tea. Bath. Bed with a book. The perfect sabbath perhaps?!

slowing down

It’s been a strange week so far and I’m looking forward to my quiet day tomorrow.  It’s my last week working for the church and I’m feeling it. I’m quiet, thoughtful and a little sad. I’m really looking forward to starting my new job next week and I guess I’m preparing myself for it. I can feel myself slowly disconnecting from things and being ready for the change. I’m ready. I’m ready and eager once again for the challenge that lays ahead. But first I need to finish my last five days of working for the church. I’ve not got a lot to do. The hardest task is going to be packing up the office! Right now I’m heading off to a bible study, followed by my last official meeting with my line manager (she’ll continue to be my pastor, but is only my line manager for 5 more days).

tearful

I’m a bit teary today, I was yesterday too. I’m not sure whether this is the last wave of emotion surrounding the events of the past year as I come towards leaving working for the church. I am aware that I could create an opportunity to reconcile and I don’t know whether to take it. Is it best to let it lie, or should I try and do what would be really difficult for me and ask the questions I have and share how hard it has been for me. I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to meet with them again, but I know if I do it will be a learning experience.

I’m also a tad lonely. This seems a bit daft, hubby has only been away three days! But I miss having him to talk to. Talking out these things often helps me cope with my emotions. Instead I feel like they are controlling me. I nearly started crying in a planning meeting last night! Talking on the phone isn’t the same, and he’s usually distracted by what’s going on around him. He’ll be home in four days, and the weekends plans of baking a birthday cake for my dad and then sharing a family meal to celebrate are bound to cheer me up again!

Little by little

Little by little, life is progressing. And I’m not sure I want it to! 

Current job - this morning we finished delivering leaflets for the event we’re holding at the church on the hill on Saturday. I’ve bought materials this afternoon, and I’m ready to set up the church tomorrow morning. This progress is great, I’m loving the different things I’m doing, and the fact that its relaxed, laid back and I’m not overwhelmed with stuff to do!

New job - CRB check is through, we’re now trying to sort a start date! This is very scary! I’ve become quite comfortable at the church on the hill. There is a part of me that is looking forward to the new job, but if I could push it back further and further I would. The fact is that I will never feel ready, it will be scary, but once I’ve got the first few months under my belt, I hope I will be loving it and growing rapidly! So I’m going to start when they want me to (most likely beginning of July!)

New house - The survey has been done (we’re waiting for it to be written and posted to us). The estate agent reckons we could be exchanging contracts by the end of the month! I’m no longer excited about this, its dragged on too long. If I think about it at all, I worry too much about the whole financial commitment! I’m sure the excitement will return, probably when we exchange contracts and have a date for completion. Then my spare time will be spent packing!

Study - I’m enjoying it again, and I’ve started reading for the next assignment due at the end of July. I’m once again trying to get the best out of the process - developing my work journal, and wanting to make the most of supervision. The extra time I have is really helping me study, as I have more time to read etc.

The strange thing is that I feel quite settled in this period of transition. The desire for the new job and new house has decreased slightly, I’m happy with my cosy life as it is! But the change will happen, and it will bring excitement when it happens. I only have a month of this cosy life left, so I’m going to enjoy it as much as I can. That means using the spare time I have to relax, read and get ahead on my studying!

Meme

I’ve seen this around blogworld recently, and thought I’d have a go. Kathryn invited anyone to have a go, so here it is!

Rules: The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about himself or herself. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Ten years ago: I was sitting my first year exams at Loughborough Uni. My degree was in Engineering Physics, and I’ve not used it since! About this time I would also have begun to date my now husband! (The relationship ended in July ‘98 but we got back together in Mar ‘01)

Five things on today’s “to do” list:

1) Gardening - weeding mainly.

2) Read draft assignment, cover it in questions, edit it and hopefully complete it!

3) Clean the house - bathroom especially, and the kitchen floor.

4) Prepare for tomorrow’s sunday school group (done)

5) Wash the towels (done)

Things I’d do if I was a billionaire:
Re-decorate my new house before I move in (new bathroom and kitchen included). Buy a peaceful getaway home (by the coast or in the lake district). I always used to have a dream of a church which provided for all the needs of its community from the one (mega) building. I’m not sure whether I would build this now or whether I’d fund a youth project or something. I’d definitely do something community orientated.

Three bad habits:
1) Having to read blogs before I start work in the morning. (This one will have to change when I change jobs)

2) Putting my hands/fingers over my mouth, touching my nose. It’s a comfort thing.

3) Watching far too many soaps!
Five places I’ve lived: It was great to only have three addresses to write on my last CRB check!

1) Parents home in Surrey

2) Loughborough Uni (halls, then two student houses)

3) Bury, Manchester

4) Leicestershire (village then back to Loughborough for a year)

5) Back to Surrey again!

Five jobs I’ve had:
1) Saturday assistant in a bakery

2) Scanning Electron Microscope Operator! (part of my degree year in industry)

3) Youth worker

That’s it! Though the youthworker has taken different forms.

 

journals

I have two journals (apart from this one that is). I have a prayer journal, which is really my personal journal, where I share everything with God from prayers of praise to prayers of desperation. I’ve been writing this journal since 1998! I also have a work journal. This is relatively new to me, as I’ve gone through keeping recordings of my work, to blogging on a private blog, and now to writing reflections connected with my work in a journal. It was my study which prompted the writing of reflections on my work, and now I think I’m happy with the format I’ve settled on - my relatively new work journal. The key principles for my journals are that I write in them when I want to, which tends to be at least once a week. This freedom means that when I do write and reflect, I am motivated to do so, and the reflections are actually useful to me!

Then there’s this place! The focus is really just my life, stuff I want to remember, stuff that I want to think through that doesn’t belong in my other two journals! Over the years I’ve been blogging, the focus has changed from time to time, but I enjoy blogging and I guess that’s why I do it. I also really enjoy reading it back, reliving some of the memories.

this week

I’m an introvert, and after quite a few quiet weeks where I’ve been enjoying my own company, this week I’ve been out and about lots meeting with lots of different people. It has been draining - physically and emotionally. I’ve found I’ve needed my sleep again, and on a couple of days I’ve had afternoon naps. I’ve always found these essential to keep me going when work is busy. (How I will cope moving to work in an office and having set hours I don’t know! I’ll have to adapt somehow.)

I’ve been really frustrated with myself this week as I seem to be questioning myself lots, especially after meeting with people, and the way I’ve been feeling about myself has declined day be day. I’m really glad of my afternoon and evening in this evening to blog, journal, relax and re-energise. I’m wondering whether it is possible to change the way I’ve been this week, or whether it is just part of me and I need to accept it or adapt. I feel like I’ve been battling this one for years and haven’t really got very far. Does anyone else tell the voice in their head to shut-up frequently? (I can be heard going around the house saying shhh out loud to myself.) So today I’m wondering whether I just need to not plan so many meetings in one week and recognise my need for ‘me’ time to re-charge and love myself again.

childish behaviour

I’ve been reading a book suggested by my supervisor, all about psychological games. It’s a bit complex, and I’m not going to try and explain it all here. What I’ve learnt is more about how I relate to people. I think I’ve always known I’m a people pleaser, but I’ve learnt that its often me relating to people from a child perspective, often seeing the other person as a parent. This means that whenever I fail to please someone I feel I need to be punished, often punishing myself with lots of worry and self loathing. As I read the book, I identified with different aspects, though I am not sure about what to do about it. And so I thought the first step would be to try and articulate here the areas where I need to work at it!

Work relationships - I need to see ALL relationships (with adults) on an adult to adult level. I think I’m doing ok on this at the church on the hill. The relationships which have potential to cause problems are ones where authority is involved - e.g. with my line manager and supervisor (where they have authority over me) or volunteers (who I have authority over.) I can see where the problems may be. Only this morning did I spend a good hour feeling guilty that I had missed a supervision appointment, when according to me I didn’t. As a child, I take all the blame on myself (as the parent is never wrong) but actually we are both adults, and an adult misunderstanding took place so the blame is shared. Hopefully I will learn to see each situation as an adult-adult encounter over time. 

Family - Um, it was through a discussion with my supervisor about how I relate to my parents which brought this whole thing up in the first place! Her suggestion was to work on being an adult when relating to my mum. This will be hard, but may bring the most impact. I may need to make this my number one aim!

Friends - The less well I know someone, the more likely I am to come home and then worry about what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. I’m not sure if this is part of the child-parent thing. It’s not really a game, as it’s not how I act with the person, it’s my state of mind after! In these situations I just need to remember who I am and have confidence in who I am!

Perhaps I’m not so much of a game player as I thought I was. But hopefully from now on I’ll begin to see myself more as an adult (which I am at 28!) and have more confidence. 

a prayer

Dear God,

You chose Moses, Jonah, and many others. You chose those who weren’t the ones chosen by the world etc, etc. You chose me. Or at least I am hoping you have chosen me to be a youthworker. I’m always doubting myself, doubting that I have the abilities and skills needed, doubting I’m a people helper. Help me to have confidence in the fact that you have chosen me. And if I am barking up the wrong tree, then please, please point me in the right direction.

Thank you that I have you, and a husband who have faith in me. Help me to know who’s voices to listen to and who to ignore. Give me wisdom as I deal with joining ’church on the hill’ and continue to seek your will for the future.

Amen