a prayer February 29, 2008

Dear God,

You chose Moses, Jonah, and many others. You chose those who weren’t the ones chosen by the world etc, etc. You chose me. Or at least I am hoping you have chosen me to be a youthworker. I’m always doubting myself, doubting that I have the abilities and skills needed, doubting I’m a people helper. Help me to have confidence in the fact that you have chosen me. And if I am barking up the wrong tree, then please, please point me in the right direction.

Thank you that I have you, and a husband who have faith in me. Help me to know who’s voices to listen to and who to ignore. Give me wisdom as I deal with joining ’church on the hill’ and continue to seek your will for the future.

Amen

me, a youth worker? February 24, 2008

What is it about my character, my abilities that makes me a youthworker? Am I the kind of person people come to for help?

A few years ago, I would have been convinced of a yes answer to that second question, but now I’m not so sure. Now I know myself better. But this journey of self awareness and knowing my self will continue till I die. So, here and now, am I a youth worker in person as well as in role?

First, my passion, my desire. It isn’t burning strong today, but I do have a desire to help young people in their lives, more specifically those who have a difficult start in life. I probably need to work on showing this passion, the fact that I care, to people. I keep myself so tightly bound up. I need to realise that it is me I bring to my work and that this is important. I need to give something of myself. Give more of who I am, because this is what the young people want to get to know.

Secondly, my ability to relate to young people. I do find it easier to build relationships with young people than with adults. I still have to take a deep breath before making new contact, but I can do it, and I love it when I know them well and can take a real interest in their lives. And some of them do talk to me. Of course, there are other volunteers who perhaps others will relate to better, but I think I am a helping person (like the book) but perhaps I am letting it get lost a little.

Thirdly, my character. Does being an intovert matter? No, but I need to find a way of being an introvert and wanting to go and work with people. I feel that I let my emotions rule me too much, and I’m doing my job because I have to rather than because I want to. This adds to my helping person vibes getting lost.

Currently, I know I am still acting out of hurt, I am still bitter and angry at times. I don’t feel like loving people, I am not myself, at least I’m not the worker I want to be, the worker I hope I am. A worker who loves, cares, acts from this place of care rather than a place of professionalism. (Not that there is anything wrong with professionalism.)

I have to hope that when I move on, that the youthworker within me begins to shine again. All I see when I reflect on myself is my bad attitude, and not giving all I should. I need to have hope that I have the qualities needed, its just that they have got a little lost lately. I can help them resurface, work on them and make them shine.

That’s my prayer, that the youthworker within me will shine. Or that Jesus within me will shine.

It probably hasn’t helped that my definition of a youthworker has changed over the past few years. So here’s a list of characteristics I desire : passion and drive, loving and caring for young people, an ease in building relationships, reflective, seeking opportunities for informal education, able to make quick judgements, able to handle responsibility, able to cope with demands of outcomes etc, be in control and yet not overbearing, allow the young people to flourish.

thankfulness February 19, 2008

A little miffed about a work situation today, so instead of moaning, here’s what I’m thankful for today.

• No injurys and lots of fun ice skating
• A warm house to return home to
• An evening in, with telly and books to amuse me.
• Young People who do care about me, even though they don’t show it often.
• The willpower to finish this post, turn the computer off, and leave it off till Thurs morning. I am now officially on my day off. I will not answer the phone, I will not go out unless I want to, I will veg to my hearts content!

thankfulness February 18, 2008

I keep thinking about blogging live again. I want to shout about how I feel to the world. Most of the time I’m stressed, outraged, angry, you know, that kind of stuff. And then I think of what I have to be grateful for. Because although this year you could probably say I’ve had more bad emotions than good ones it’s not that my life is completely crap, just work is, and even in work there are some good things. So then I get to thinking about doing a thankfulness blog. So before I make any bold moves or decisions, I thought I’d start doing that here, probably once in a while. So here is thankfulness post number one!

• a husband who even when is enjoying the best week of his year, will let me interrupt it with phonecalls and text messages.
• volunteer leaders who seem truly thankful for my thankyous to them, and are willing to take on more responsibility.
• Pretty tulips downstairs
• the chance to have a quiet week, and cook all the food i love
• that plans for my work at ’church on the hill’ are progressing well

Even though I can think of more things to be negative about, may I treasure these positives. Amen.

can’t record February 11, 2008

Recordings are an important part of my course, but even more importantly part of my learning. But I can’t bring myself to do them at the moment. I couldn’t last weekend and I can’t now. I’m not sure I can cope emotionally with looking back over a session critically. I would only look at the positives, and miss opportunities for learning.
I’ve been working hard recently at not being really negative and not letting my failures floor me. If I’m honest I know that I struggle with most youth sessions at the moment emotionally. Anything can stir up anger within me.
I don’t feel in a good place right now, but I’m coping, just. Getting through, surviving. And am glad of the support of hubby and others.
The move to ‘church on the hill’ is scary. Scary is the fact that I can see me pinning my hopes on it.  Having a new line manager will be good. She will challenge me I’m sure, but she knows me well and how to do that without pushing me over the edge. I also have the relationship which will help me to be honest, rather than my current line management relationship which encourages me to keep quiet.
I really hope that by moving to ‘church on the hill’ I can love working once again. I have had four days rest last week, but just working with young people again, and then the staff again today, I hate it. Working by myself is fine, there is no-one to trigger an emotional reaction in me. But others, all it takes is a comment or even a look. Yes, I’m paranoid. Yes I believe everyone thinks I’m useless and is talking about me behind my back. But yes, I’m coping. Coping by retracting into my shell of comfort. Trying hard not to eat too much, trying hard to exercise, because on top of everyone else hating me (or me believing so) I also want to lose weight!
Where will I be in a year? I can cope with that thought, though I can’t cope with thinking just a week ahead. One small step, one day, one task at a time. That’s how I cope. Knowing God has hold of me. Finding his peace in those rare moments I make the good decision to spend time with him.
And times of sanity, just letting nobody, apart from a blogger employee who I guess can probably read this, know what is going on in my head. Strangely it helps. I feel calmer.

So, do I record? For now, not. First job when I get my study pack will be to look and see if I need recordings for any assignments. But for now I think, until I get to ‘church on the hill’, or back into study mode (whichever happens first) I won’t record. For my own sanity. So, fancy that, I am giving something up for lent – recording my sessions!