Why am I not reading books anymore? This is really strange. In some ways I do want to, but I can’t. I can’t take any more in. It’s like I’m full. Full of what I’m not sure. Full of emotion I guess. I have no head space in which to take in new things, to be challenged, to think about things.
I have lots of spare time, but I just spend it, well waste it, trying to escape what is going on inside of me. Trying to numb the pain by eating, watching tv, sleeping. Perhaps I don’t read because I know I need to deal with this stuff internally first. So here I am again, I think, trying to make sense of it all somehow. But when I lay down the anger, calm down enough to deal with it all, all I can feel is pain. Pain that hurts. Pain that makes me want to cry. So perhaps I now need to begin to name that pain. Maybe. But once again, I’m probably in a place to move forward and deal with it but it’s late, very late. And now I’m tired. The anger has subsided and I now feel able to sleep. So I choose bed. Whether that will lead me to my prayer journal or sleep I will have to see. But for now, Goodnight.
no books? January 28, 2008
today January 28, 2008
The anger problem, I still have it, and now it is manifesting itself physically. Tension headaches, tension in my body, agitation, unable to sit still. And I can’t put a name to it, not today anyway. I think that may be because I feel I don’t have a right to feel like I do. But feelings are what they are, and I need to accept the feelings I have and then work with them. So what is making me clench my teeth? The only answer can be a real distaste, a dislike, sometimes leaning towards hatred of the church. It’s not the church’s fault, and I can see lots of positive things too, but they have no impact on the way I feel. I just want to be negative about everything. I feel that I’m not part of it. I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I want to leave.
And yet there is a small glimer of hope, a young person who wants to talk about youthwork. Some of the work I do does have an impact, but it’s small, or at least it is in small ways.
How much of all this is about ego? My need to be noticed, appreciated. Although this is partly true, I do need to be appreciated (which I don’t feel, not by anyone, not even the young people really). I would hope that my need (or desire) to make a difference would win over.
Perhaps the answer is that, that I need to look for areas where I’m making a difference. If only I could see them. Nah. I can’t see it.
So I still carry this anger, this frustration. According to my spiritual director I need to name it and then deal with it. It’s the naming I’m having problems with. Perhaps I really do just have to realise I have fallen out of love with the church and working for it. And yet I’m stuck in the position of having to work for it. Can I let go of the frustration and anger this causes in me? I’ll try.
I’m committed to working out my contract (unless ‘church on the hill’ or another job comes along).
I’m committed to ‘venting’ in safe places (like here, with hubby or spiritual director)
I’m committed to trying to let go of my frustration and anger.
rest January 17, 2008
Rest is difficult, especially when I am aware of work to do, study to do, even housework to do. But rest is necessary. It brings healing to my body and healing to my soul.
So how do I rest?
Seeking space and silence.
Watching TV can be ok, sitting at the computer generally not (ooops!)
Reading can be ok, but not work related stuff, and probably not church stuff either at the moment.
Walking, getting out of town, all good.
Perhaps even get creative – music, art, perhaps even treat myself to a craft project.
Rest, essential at the moment.
I need to write a schedule for today, including times for rest (though most of it has been this morning.)
I’m going to go and get my cross stitch out and do my best not to feel guilty!
angry January 7, 2008
- angry that a morning back at work has sent me back to wanting to resign.
- fed up with the crap that church is and that working for a church brings
- don’t know if my passion can withstand another term, it’s taken the weeks holidays for it to slowly reblossom
- really want the job in manchester, really scared about the interview, really really scared i want it for the wrong reasons and that it won’t be good for me
- fed up with living with anxiety and stress about work
- want to give up
- angry that the world stinks
And yet there is hope. Hope of a loving God bringing restoration to the world. Hope that in a years time I may be loving my work. Hope that God is in control of the mess that is my life.
todays bullet points January 5, 2008
- decided to buy a nice notebook to use as a recipe journal (to include favourite recipes with memories)
- need to sort out itunes, selling the ipod, make sure people can’t spend my money etc
- new years resolutions, not got any but some goals seem to be forming (praying more, living like Jesus more)
- desire to bake, but theres so much food around, theres no need to
- am i being lazy by not working when really there is no work that needs doing. should i create work?
- should i join facebook so i stay in touch with friends who facebook but don’t email me anymore?
- a desire to write more, really strange this one, but may be satisifed by journalling and writing here occasionally
